Let’s shape our girls’ future

On December 2, 2011, Janet Bagnall wrote “the system failed” (Montrealgazette.Com) referring to the 2009 murder case involving Mohammad Safia’s family. The four ladies of Safia’s household screamed for help but nobody,“The school staff, the Montreal police, both of the city’s child-protection services, relatives, friends, boyfriends, the women’s shelter, the stranger on the street,” had the guts to intervene. Why?

The system failed miserably not because of the “unfamiliarity with the cultural differences”. There was no shortage of cultural-interpreter or the experts with knowledge in multi-racial/multicultural issues. It failed because of lack of interest on the part of the authorities and their fear of conformity with regards to the case.

Safia’s case may be an extreme example of an immigrant woman alleged to have participated in murdering her own daughters (and her husband’s wife she rather see dead), but there are many others who customarily participate in similar activities without even realizing because of their upbringing--from the beginning daughters are conditioned to behave in certain ways.

Mohammad Safia’s house rules may sound too harsh to many of us, but immigrants (in general) with strong religious beliefs and traditions face similar challenges everyday with regards to adopting new culture that is forced upon them. Usually, the stronger the beliefs, the longer it takes for the immigrants to settle down in a new society they move into. But their hardships seem to be nothing compared to their children’s struggles to fit into the new society, studies show. These children are pulled and pushed by two sets of rules, one set imposed on them at home and another out in the public they are forced to follow. These children often feel displaced (from the culture and people they knew) and seem to have developed distrusting attitudes towards grown ups when they grow up.

Depending on the religion and the part of the world people live in, there seem to be two sets of rules for daughters and sons to follow. It is not just that gender-specific activities, which are justified because of the biological differences between boys and girls, but the overall disciplinary curriculum for daughters and sons seem to be different, also. And, even though sons are often raised more favourably than daughters (in many cultures), it is daughters who seem to lend their sympathetic ears (at the very least) when parents fall into difficult situations.

Daughters raised in discriminatory families (and societies) discriminate against their own daughters; that is what they learned from their mothers (the family is a child’s first school). I have seen this trend continuing until a daughter (or mother) determines to stop this repetition for good.

When I first came to know about the female circumcision performed routinely in some African and Middle Eastern societies, I was appalled! I was disturbed even more when I read that mothers in those countries not only allow the removal of their daughters’ clitoris but also encourage it. I thought, "how can a mother tolerate such an act of violence?" Then, as I got familiar with other kinds of family violence around the world, I noticed that mothers in many households customarily treat their daughters very unfairly.

There are many reasons why mothers routinely discriminate against their daughters. Among others, here are a few:

1) Lack of self confidence (lack of emotional intelligence, asserted by Daniel Goleman, et al.) in mothers seems to be one of the major contributing factors giving rise to family violence situations. To be confident, girls need to be able to evaluate, control and manage their own as well as others’ emotions around them. Unfortunately, not many families allow their girls to assert these notions.

2) Most girls are taught to ‘serve’ others first then only take care of their own concerns, while most boys are used to being served first. This was working when the works were distinctly divided based on gender before the industrial era. But time has changed! Now, men and women both work outside and inside their home (although there is still a huge wage gap between them). However, most families are not caught up with these new phenomena. This is another root cause of some family violence.

3) When one member of the family (either husband or wife) exerts too much power and manage to get his/her away all the time, the other one feels left out and used. This seems to be another cause for family violence occurring. Therefore, ability of mothers to love themselves and be able to include their needs on the family’s ‘priority ‘list seems to help, not hinder, in preventing family violence.

4) This is still a man’s world. No matter which part of the world they live in, they’re living within a male-dominated society. Men make rules and break them. Most women simply follow those rules either because they don’t think they can break the conventional rules or they do so to keep peace in their household. Fighting against well-rooted (systemic) discrimination takes a lot of courage that most women don’t have.

Even the very few who have that kind of courage would hesitate to go out in public with their stories simply because they know that they wouldn’t have the kind of support they need to win their case. Since they live within a male-dominated society, what can they expect?

Surprisingly, when discovering women in abusive situations, not only most men but also most women turn a blind eye. The predators know this. Because of this, when there is a conflict at work, the boss always wins. Within a family, the woman takes the blame automatically (in most household).

It seems to be true, also, that most households are together because of the women belonging to those families. If the woman in the household tolerates or uses prudent tactics to keep her family together, the husband takes the credit. On the other hand, if the woman is unwilling or unable to keep the family together, the family members go their separate ways and the woman gets the blame.

That is being said; however, I still find it hard to believe that the mother, Tooba Mohammad Yahya, with all her conscience would devise a plan to murder her own daughters. If she did plan, was she forced to put her “priority” straight; I wonder?